Time
I will always remember when I realised I was an addict. But I have no idea how long I have been clean and I feel free.
I have had a fascination with time for a long period now. I believe it started when I turned 23 years old……twice! For most this last sentence doesn’t make sense. For addicts this sentence is reality.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines time as “the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues”. As an addict I can tell you time does not exist or continue. And as an ex-addict I can tell you time does exist and does continue, but it can be a burden. One day at a time. Ten years sober. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t look back. Time is your friend and time is your enemy.
I have travelled the path to being substance-free several times. For addicts’ relapse is reality. We count the days/months/years between relapse but relapse is the reality of our condition. The longest I have been clean is 7 years. I am currently clean. How long have I been clean? I don’t know. My wife knows. But I do not. And I will not. My thoughts dictate that to be truly free from relapse I have to be free of time.
As mentioned at the start of these thoughts I have been fascinated with time for a long time. I don’t know how I turned 23 twice. But it happened. I can remember both birthdays. One was in Rajasthan, India and was celebrated with opium, hashish and whiskey. The other was in Queenstown, New Zealand and was celebrated with MDMA, weed and vodka. Both great nights. Both celebrating turning 23 years old. I did eventually turn 24 but it took my brother correcting me and me doing some math’s to turn 24 years old. I didn’t have a 24th birthday but I did turn 24 years old. It was at this time that I started to have different understanding of time and it is with this understanding that I decided to celebrate being 30 years old five times. I enjoyed being 30. I was married. I had a daughter. I was sober. Why not. I was in a good place. I was happy and most importantly I was sober. I did eventually turn 35 but I enjoyed being 30 years old for five wonderful years. Fast forward many years and I have recently celebrated my fourth 45th birthday. I don’t know if I will turn 49 but I do plan on celebrating turning 50.
Nothing has helped my recovery more than this fascination with time. It was during one of my many thought provoking discussions with my wife that I decided to stop counting the time of sobriety. I had come home from work and was really down. I had had a discussion with a friend at work who was celebrating 30 years sober. Awesome. But all I could feel was dread. Will I still be burdened with time when I celebrate 30 years clean. It was there and then that I decided I wouldn’t. Why should I. Time should not be a burden. Sobriety should not be a burden. I am clean. I am happy. I am an addict. My new mantra will be ‘I don’t use’. I don’t drink, not I have been alcohol-free for this many years. I don’t do drugs, not that I have been drug-free for this many years. Easy.
The freedom I have felt since making this decision is incredible. I no longer live one day at a time. I neither look forward or back in relation to sobriety. I just don’t drink or do drugs. I am a realist though, and I do know I am an addict. But it doesn’t matter because I don’t drink or do drugs. For the first time in my adult life I no longer fear relapse. It has been years that I have been living with this ideology and it works. It’s not fashionable or in any textbook, but it works. I am no longer celebrating milestones. I just don’t do it.
I will always remember when I realised I was an addict. But I have no idea how long I have been clean and I feel free.
